I was raised in a home where I was taught that I
should do things for others without expecting anything in return. Growing up, I
was constantly reminded that I would have to work for the things that I wanted
in life because they wouldn't be handed to me - and if they were, it wouldn't
teach me anything. I learned very early on that the greatest lesson in life
was the importance of working for what you get.
As the years have passed, I've
found myself thankful of that lesson on more than one occasion. When I worked
hard on homework in high school while my classmates slacked off and played
shenanigans - and I didn't get one rejection letter when it came to applying
for college. All the times I dragged myself to work at 5:30 am on a weekend
while all my other friends were sleeping off the night before, and this
semester working 18 hours a week while taking 18 hours of classes - and I've
yet to have the "broke college kid nightmare" of having $3.67 in my
bank account.
This great lesson that I've learned through my
years hasn't been an easy one by any means, but it has aided me far beyond any
material "things" that I have gained. It has helped to shape me into
the woman I am - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well. I've
seen the strength of a sturdy heart when the time came to listen to my parents
and finally break up with that boy (and he was just that, a boy), when all he
brought to my life was toxicity and friction between myself and the people I
love. I've witnessed the unstoppable force of a spirit that has been beaten
down by catty girls for years and years when the straw finally broke the
camel's back. I saw that same unstoppable force when I heard myself yelling not
only at those girls, but at my high school's principal, superintendent,
parents, classmates - anyone who would listen to me. I was done being quiet,
I wasn't holding back any longer.
When I talk about all the things that I have done
and accomplished in my short nineteen years in this world, I tend to leave
things out and minimize my worth. "Why?" you may wonder. I wish I
knew how to answer that, but I suppose that I will have to leave it at "I
try my hardest to be humble." I pray a lot, and I have been growing
stronger in my faith. I hate to look back and know that at one point I let it
waver, but I know that my life and path are always in God's hands. I mean, the
Bible even says it right there in Jeremiah 29:11,
Why then, do I sometimes feel
like I do things to no avail? Why do I feel like I work so hard to open doors
for myself, make life easier for others, and ultimately make a difference in
the world - only to receive nothing in return? I find myself whining, "But
I thought if I worked hard, I would gain in return!"
If I'm being completely honest, which I aim to be,
I had one of these nights last night. I was already struggling with my sorority
not winning any awards at Phi Kappa Tau's philanthropy step show, even after
all the hard work, blood (literally), sweat, and tears we had put into putting
together a routine we were sure would wow the crowd, when another bomb was
dropped on me. Something I had looked forward to for so long and had worked so
hard to be able to be a part of, was suddenly not an option anymore - at least
not right now anyway. I walked away with a pit in my stomach, a feeling much
akin to being sucker punched. I was distraught, but still did my best not to
show it. I didn't want anyone to know that I was so upset. I even went so far
as to tell myself that I wouldn't cry (which I did, and if you know me you know
that that's no surprise in the least). I questioned why I work so hard when I
"get nothing in return." Why I try so hard to please everyone else,
when it feels like no one can every do anything for me when I need them.
I slept on it, and my already secure belief in the
saying "The two best cures for anything are a long sleep and a good
laugh" (Thanks for that one, Irish ancestors), only grew stronger. I
woke up with a feeling of content that I hadn't felt in quite some time. It
finally occurred to me that I can't see God's plan in action every single
second. God has bigger plans for me than I can ever even imagine, and with
this "missed opportunity" passing me by, he has a bigger blessing in
store for me down the road. Maybe it won't be tomorrow, or next week. Maybe it
will be six months or a year down the road, but it is there waiting for me when
the time is right.
I also got to thinking about how blessed I am with
the things I "get back" from my life each and every day. I love
people, and I love to hear their stories. Just listening to people talk fills
me with inspiration, and changes my life in ways they may never even notice -
but that I do, and can't thank them enough for it. I receive random acts of
kindness, from compliments on my outfit or my hair, to someone holding the door
open for me, a smile from a stranger on the street. Things that I never asked
for, but receive and are blessed by all the same. I love to write, and knowing
that I can affect people with my words is the greatest gift I could ever
receive... One money can't buy.
People give me their time just to read what I have
to say, and I give them a glimpse into my life. A look at parts of me that they
may never have imagined. It makes me happier than anything when people share
with me the experiences we have in common, the way I have made them feel. Just
knowing that I can change even one life with my words means more to me than any
of the "missed opportunities" ever could.
I'll leave you with the words that have gotten me
through today, and will for the days to come.
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Phillipians
4:13
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